…and i don’t know why
June 5, 2012
I grow weary from fear. I never noticed before because adrenalin was my drug of choice. Fear propelled me to go ninety miles an hour without thought. Pure instinct it was, the impulse to run, Run, RUN. And so I ran, as far as I could but I could never escape the fears that compelled me to run. And it wasn’t until I started writing that things I could finally see what I was running from.
Last week it hit me. Hard. I was running away from happiness. Because…? I am not even sure. I don’t know why. When I held it in my hands, my only desire was to destroy. To crush. To smother. To thrash. To wretch. To fling it from my heart and breast. I couldn’t be with it. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t find peace with something that I could lose, so I tried, once again, to throw it out.
It’s been hitting me, over and over again. It is all within my power, but I turn my power against that which could contain all the joy of the universe. And when I could destroy, I found a strange sense of pleasure, a kind of dark smile that comes from abnegation. Martyr syndrome in full effect, combine with this volatile desire to create a pain that cannot be expressed. It can only be felt, over and over again, and in that pain I found a kind of solace. How sad this is.
See, everything has always been the dialectic of extremes. Black and white, with nothing in between. Exhausting, to say the least. False, to say the most. But it is my default pattern, a high contrast land with no middle ground.
And I think I would stay like this forever, were it not for him. He, who exists in time and space. He who accepts this fatal flaw with an unfamiliar kind of benevolence. He, the only person I have ever met who does not enable me. He just leaves me be, and lets me be, and in his presence I can finally see. Me. As I am. And I don’t know how but that does something strange. It makes me cut it out.
Not all at once. It does take time. But time is an illusion and it is on our side. I am finally slowing down. As slow as I can go. I am learning peace and patience and acceptance and—oh. Something else. Something I never knew before. Something I have run from for as long as I can remember, the thing I have always wanted more than anything else is that which I have sought to destroy. Only he won’t let me. And I don’t know why.