.. for this there are no words
July 8, 2012
The other day Miss Jong asked me about starting a blog. It was all I could do not to set her up right then and there. I must remind myself time and again, that what is good for the goose, well, there’s nothing left to be said.
There are times when I wish that everyone could feel as I do, that I could take what I have and give it to the world. And I can but not as I thought it would be. Can’t ever give advice or tell anyone how to be. All I can do is fall all the way back. Lead by example, keep to my work, live and let live.
True that. I should write it down upon a slip of paper and stick it to my wall. I started doing that recently, after connecting with Mr. Señor. It was strange, as in completely unexpected, as in coming out of thin air, as in what you seek is seeking you, and effort is not required for success. Commitment, consistency, quality of thought and action, yes, but effort burns energies that we need. Effort is a kind of death.
So I release myself, time and again, like every time I must remind myself, because I feel that stress. That thing that says, “not good enough” and makes me feel as though who I am as I am is not worthy of love.
It has become easier and easier to release myself of this, perhaps because it is I have let go of negative influences. Internal and external, that which is going in the other direction is no longer for me, and by releasing myself of this influence, I am open to love in all its beauty.
And so it is that Mr. Señor came to me and he told me about what he has been doing and that caught me. Graffirmations it is called. And I’ve seen it too but things appear when you are open, and so Mr. Señor has found them en masse. All throughout the city are the anonymous notes, messages of peace and positivity and oodles and oodles of love. Messages left behind by those whose names are unknown, because it is not—it is never—the messenger. It is the message. That is all.
All around New York is love. And Mr. Señor has taken his camera to document one of the most ephemeral of all arts. What is here today is gone sure enough, and for me that is why the camera is something I don’t fully understand. No matter how long I work in photography, I find myself continually amazed at the camera’s ability to do things that are beyond this plane. This is not simply a matter of capturing an image. It is something else. It is the timeless for all time, the eternity of the moment, forever more.
Memory, this is the thing I have begun to consider. Memory as what does not exist and what exists without anyone to remember it. If a tree falls in the forest, how arrogant is this. If something happens and it is forgotten, what will come of it.
I believe in energies and vibrations that exist far beyond perception. I believe proof is irrelevant because all it does is create doubt, that is to say, negative vibrations. I believe that what is always is and there is no past tense. There is no future and there is no past. There is somehow the conflation of all time into this very moment.
And so it is that Graffirmations immediately spoke to me. As Mr. Señor talked I began to see that this, as all things of beauty, are meant to be. It is not simply that I love graff. It is not simply that I love books. It is not simply that this is my passion. It is that this is Me. Me as is the nameless entity that inhabits this body. Me as in the spirit and the soul. Not Sara. And not Miss Rosen.
When the student is ready the teacher appears. “Do you know what affirmations are?” Mr. Señor asked and I thought of this blog. See, I do this for me. I create these posts and I look at them over and over again. The images are the medium to allow the words to seep in. The images are the medium that go beyond the words themselves but by looking at the ineffable I can understand the word. I read not only my words but the words of those who inspire me and I have come to understand that the magic bullet we are all seeking is the Word itself.
Quotes have a power that I cannot explain but I feel it already. I feel the power of the Word recreating my brain. And so it is that yes, I told Mr. Señor I knew what Affirmations are, but it is he that introduced me to the possibility of living with them outside of the computer screen. He told me how he has post its up and how when company comes he takes them down and I thought that was darling and charming and I love that self consciousness because it is something I understand.
And I thought post its, hmm yes, they must serve a purpose beyond the dreaded “to do” variety. I love the idea that post its could be “to be” and simply meditating on them could allow the Word to work its magic. So to the store I went and I came back with red and pink hearts and I began writing messages and I tried some and others until I found the ones I need now.
And my favorite comes by way of Mr. Stephens who signed an email to me years ago with the line, “Have the day you want” and I always appreciated that sentiment. What we want we have and what we have we want and if it were to be anything else it would be for we are creatures of power untold. If we struggle it is because this is our desire. Believe you me, I know this. And so when I see it in others I understand their need. Even if they do not.
And so it begins. Graffirmations is the first step. Not just to self actualization but to something else. To this. I’m sitting with Mr. Señor and we are having tea and we are talking and vibing and there is all this energy. There is this brand new space that is being created and it is a space of love, of passion, of creativity, of originality, of beauty. It is everything I am and everything I had forgotten because in order to become who I am I had to walk through the fire. And while this may be perhaps a process whose end I cannot yet forsee I know that no longer am I descending like Orpheus.
The tide has turned and it has turned forever and every day that passes is easier than the day before it. Every day is magic and every day is light and that’s the beauty of the mind. Control over the self is all it is. Nothing more. Nothing less. Ahh but what a challenge it has been.
Still, I am nothing if not undaunted. I’m never daunted. I’m always somewhat, or rather very turned on. I’m a flame that burned low. Now I am a flame that grows hot. Hot as this summer and this summer is not hot. Heat, like anything else, must be respected. Revered. The Sun is my God. Aten. It was written and it has been told and I will post that in a moment but now to Day Three.
What’s the best writing advice you ever received?
This comes from Mr. Buroran and it may be on of my favorite letters ever received. My heart beats a little faster whenever I read it. To me he said this, and forever it shall be. My heart beats a little faster still. Gratitude, for this there are no words.
A writer’s sole responsibility is to write. A bird must fly. A fish must swim. Nature’s gifts must be embraced, never neglected. How else can you be as complete as you can be? Forget making a living from it. No one ever said you must become what you love. You already are.
But writing stories no one ever sees…….
Like when a tree falls and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
If I write something no one reads, does it matter? Does it have any more any less meaning?
I’ve thought long and hard about this?
Love of nature and love of art are inherently the same thing. They’re an intangible reminder of something greater than ourselves. Things that nature produces for us all to embrace. Oceans to swim in. trees to climb. fruit to eat. the sun to squint at. If we couldn’t enjoy these things, they would have no meaning. A purpose would be served, sure, but it would add nothing to whatever meaning we give our existence in order to continue it.
Much the same with art. you produce art no one sees, the cycle is incomplete. You let it out, put it down on paper, screen, canvas, whatever, a purpose was served, sure, but where’s the meaning if there’s no one to interpret it, to love it or hate it?