and still the sun does shine

July 16, 2012

It is slow to take it all in and to release of myself what has been happening for the past two weeks because I barely understand it myself. It helps, no, it doesn’t just help. It’s been life saving. Miss Shadows has given me the information I need to understand who I am.

How should it be that someone who has never met me and who has read only my words can see my truth. She can see me as I am. Not PTSD, not OCD. Not DSM-IV defined. She can see something else, something of which there is no proof in the eyes of a people who poison the world with the creation and medication of personality disorders.

I have been meditating upon the information she has provided me, unable to take it all in and yet knowing this is me. No boundaries. Or open chakras that do not close. Or basically, here’s the thing. Emotion, transmitted as energy, is too intense. Positive and negative. It is the way in which it fills and depletes me. It is the way in which energy completely consumes me. People, places, things. Animals. Skies. Plants. I could go on but you get the idea.

I always felt this. Always. It got so that I was told, “No that is not real.” It got so that it was “I must be crazy.” By just seven years old, I was terrified I would be locked away. If you have a child, or have ever been one, think of what it’s like for a little second grader to fear she is losing her mind and will be destroyed for it. Forget this is story is about me. Just think of an innocent child who isn’t safe in her home, and isn’t safe from her mind.

I knew it. I knew this was happening and no one believed me. Then there was the abuse, then there was everything that happened because I was abused. But I see it. The abuse only skewed me towards a deep and profound affinity for hurt people. Who I wanted to help. But didn’t want my help. And I wanted to love. But who didn’t want my love. But that’s not all.

I was also always incredibly passionate. I had this fire to create. Seriously, those drawings I made at three years old? By five, I was selling them. Marketing. Promoting. My parents were horrified by who I was. I was an artist. An agent. A publisher. I was everyone I am today. And I was told to cut it out.

But. That didn’t stop me. Despite all the Thanatos that ran through my blood, I had this overwhelming desire to live, and not just live. But to create—to be—a work of art. I was driven, so driven that it doesn’t even really make sense. Where did this come from? Was it just ambition or was it something else?

The other day I was on one of my strolls and I came across a bumblebee dying on the flagstone. I have the strangest feeling for bees, particularly when they are hurt. So I scooped the bee up and I put him on the hood of a car and I stood by him and I watched him closely and I felt this pain, this deep pain of how much it hurts to have life leave the body. And I am watching this closely, you know, like a freak, and my heart is aching and I’m saying, This. This is me.

I’m this person who feels too much. Too intensely. Too often. Too high. Too low. I’m all in, and then I’m totally drained. I’m overcome, overwhelmed, by my very being.

And the only way I can deal with this is to create. To take all this energy and put it into word and images and books and love and… I don’t know why. I mean, that’s kinda the curse. I need meaning like I need oxygen.

I have discovered something, finally, it’s more than just burying the girl I once was. It’s more than forgiving everyone I ever loved for not loving or accepting me as I am. It’s that…

I have been giving this blessing and this curse. This ability to feel things, to see through facades, to know what lurks beneath. It is the thing that has saved my life more often than not. It is the thing that has taken me under over and over again. It is the thing that brings me the greatest of joys and the lowest of pains and the thing I have never known how to mediate because I thought it meant something was wrong with me.

Only.

Of course the moment I begin to think of this I know. I know. You know? I know. I know why they are dead, why they killed themselves. I know why it hurt so bad that death was better than life. I know why the drugs are so heavy so they feel nothing at all. I know it because I can feel it, even if we never meet and it kills me that no one understands, most of all the people it’s happening to.

But.

I guess, I can’t grieve all day. I must get to Tribeca and stand on the roof and take in my city. And be with two of the most beautiful hearts I know, hearts that fill me with love and kindness and happiness just to be in their presence. And I guess this is God’s way of showing me that I must understand that when one says they have it all, that means ALL.

12 Responses to “and still the sun does shine”

  1. Miss Rosen, I don’t understand things sometimes. Sorry. Are you saying that you are very intuitive to other people’s feelings and those feelings affect you?

    • Miss Rosen said

      You did not misunderstand. I did not properly clarify in writing this post. There’s a trick to clarity in writing while crying your eyes out. I just haven’t mastered it yet (smile).

      I am saying this: I have no boundaries. I can feel other people’s emotions as though they are my own. I can also feel other people’s emotions that they won’t let themselves feel, which is less intense physically, but more psychologically frightening because I am thus in possession of an understanding they they will not give themselves.

      If only it were limited to people. But it is not. I pick up vibes off of everything I encounter if I choose to pay attention to it. It is freakish. It really is. I know things that aren’t told. I met a girl, didn’t speak to her at all, and I knew she would try to commit suicide one year before she did. I knew because I knew she had it too, that’s why she tried to kill herself. At thirteen years old. And I wanted to much to help her but I couldn’t. Damn. I need to write some stories.

      Until Miss Shadows came into my life, like an angel, I will call her, I could not make sense out of what has been happening to me. I have spent the better part of my life either not paying attention to what was actually happening and making up my own meanings in order to destroy myself, or simply boxing out all the energies, not just closing off my heart but closing off my senses. I can walk down the street and not see or hear anyone. This is New York. There are too many lost souls. Too much pain. And also, too many layers of it because I pick up readings from the past.

      I learned last week that even too much love and joy depletes me. This understanding has given me a new way to view my entire life, not just what happened in the past but what is happening right now. It’s made me completely open to something for which I was profoundly ashamed, and it has made me fearless of all opinion and judgment. It has made me stronger because it didn’t kill me. And you know I am not even trying to agree with Nietzsche.

      I am realizing that there are people on this earth who just do not and will not want to understand. They don’t feel what I feel, they don’t like the access I have, and they have enough of their own pain—-they don’t have the space in their life for mine.

      I now literally look at other people with a kind of awe, like, “What must it be like not to access the universe on this level? Is it better? Is it easier? Is there something I can learn from them? Are they willing to learn from me? Or is it just too damn scary/tiresome/revolting to be subject to this energy?”

      I am going to call it this energy, rather than me, because there are many many times in my life that I have felt the same disgusted way about it and I thought it was me. And while it is me, I mean, if I weren’t this way I wouldn’t even exist, but I need to distinguish that this thing, this curse and this blessing, is of me but I will find a way to keep it from doing further harm.

  2. Meaning, feeling, love, artistic creation. What else is there?

    Again, I am deeply moved by your words.

    • Miss Rosen said

      alas, there is something else. Thanatos. the death instinct. it’s a brutality that i now realize many people spend their entire lives never feeling. sure, they might be doing some very passive aggressive sabotage, but they do not feel the will to die as a force they must fight their entire lives.

      i am blessed to have this other force that wills me to live. see how i can’t even remember the proper name for it. i think it is Eros. which is Love. which is everything to me. it is the only armor i have left, answering pain with love over and over again.

      • Miss Rosen, I understand.

        My way is to seek to be ready for death- not fear it, not seek it- just be ready. The Tao says those “hold nothing back from life” become ready for death. This is what I struggle to do.

        Your writing, with its strength, passion, and openness, suggest a kind of “not holding back” as well. Perhaps that too could be part of your armor. A force to meet Thanatos.

        Tom

      • Miss Rosen said

        thank you Tom ~*~

        i am not sure how to take this so i will meditate on it. my strength and my weakness has been my inability to hold back. i’ve always been too much, over the top, unmediated. i am not disputing your idea so much as considering if there is a space i have not discovered.

        is there a way to hold nothing back without riding a roller coaster, without being an active volcano, without feeling like a force of Nature. perhaps this is my quest, to mediate my powers that are, for all intents and purposes, kinda supernatural —or extranatural?—

        maybe it’s like this. superheroes have no parents. there’s something to that, isn’t there? i wouldn’t know one way or another. i’m just doing my thing, searching for understanding ..

  3. I’ll let you meditate about this but your reference to a “force of nature” sent me back to the first post I ever wrote, now three months ago.

    “We should seek… to live a life that is ours. Such a life is not easy or assured. In fact, it is achieved only by a ceaseless struggle, moment to moment. But it is a life free of despair and regret. And if you live in this way, as much as you can, you become the most powerful person you can be. You become like the storm that is coming ashore, even as I write these words in a small coffee shop on the Florida coast. Natural and strong, moving across the water, overcoming or swirling around the objects in its way, and passing on. A force of nature.”

    • Miss Rosen said

      this is beautiful ~*~ thank you for sharing it with me.

      the only thing i would like to suggest is that life does not need to ever be a struggle, nor should it not be easy. which is not to say there won’t be challenges because in challenges come lessons, and from lessons come transformation, and from transformation comes transcendence.

      i’ve learned, by no small headache and puffy eyed day, that there is a deep and powerful love that is ours. and this love is what connects us, heart to heart, across time, space, and through life and death. today it should be that the door to hell was slammed in my face, which hurt in the most surprising way. but before i left hell i found the ability to forgive and with forgiveness, everything is peaceful.

      i am also in the process of discovering that love is the meaning of life, and love does not dole itself out. love does not seek an object, nor does it deny anyone anything at all. there is a line from Krishnamurti, that says something to the effect that love is a flower in bloom. it is open to all. that is all. and this gives me peace in my heart.

      that said, not all are open to love, or some wish to dole it out at their discretion. and while this is their right, this is a kind of hell that i know far, far, too well.

      and i say all of this simply to suggest the the Universe is a good and giving place and that when you speak your wish from your heart, it will come to you. all that matters is whether your heart is open or closed, and that we be very, very aware of our words. when i believed life was a struggle, i suffered willfully and needlessly. and so it is that i choose to live in a world where life is easy and to surround myself with people who feel as i do. people who know the secret to success is knowing you have everything you need at this very moment. challenge, yes, struggle, no thank you, sir ~*~

  4. misslatoya said

    I Am Very Particular When It Comes To Things That Usually Cause A Genuine Interest In Me. And I Don’t Usually Go Around Wordpess Randomly Looking For Posts To Read. However, Today I Was Inspired To Browse The Tags Page. The Very First Post That Caught My Eye And Attention Was Yours. So I Observed Your Blog And As I Read Certain Post I Knew That I Was Definitely Meant To Read It. I Was Drawn To Your Blog For A Reason.

    While I Am Here, I Just Want To Say That From What I’ve Read So Far, It Is Beautiful. Empathy Is A Deep Thing, And It Is A Gift That I Do Understand. It Was Nice For You To Share This As It Contributes Greatly.

    • Miss Rosen said

      thank you kindly ~*~

      sharing and mutuality are very important to me, i also believe in signs. energies flow in along wavelengths that bring together like spirits and minds. i believe that all of this is the ether, and as we dip into it we discover ourselves in ways we can only know through reflections, so that it’s almost as though what we create is infinite, limitless. your kind words and understanding are appreciated.

      peace

  5. Incredibly well articulated.

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