you see, this is my life
July 27, 2012
The Thank You page. I actually thought of this. Had a moment too. Caught between two worlds, I can go both ways but what is real, I could not say.
Thought the dedication would be enough. Who more to thank than my muse?
But then, it hit me. Could I, would I, is it possible… Might I have a muserie?
And with that, it all came back. Everything everything everything. Flood gates are for someone else. Me, I am flow. Even when I drip. Damn what ideas you be puttinn in my mind, tho? Mhmm, let’s get into it.
Day 20: Who has been your biggest writing supporter?
Maaaaaaan. I gotta quote Mr. Brown right about now. This book is dedicated to muthafuckin nothing & no one. Thanks for the help & thanks for believing in me.
Ohmagosh I love him. You know, when I got that black paperback off that dude who bombed my block, twice, I neva eva eva nope neva. I mean how could I?
Had that book in my house for years. Couldn’t read it. Ain’t that some ish. He scared me. He scared me. He scared me. Damn. And he told me I scared him. Sweeeet.
I finally read it, was it 2010. Then it was like I was playing the movie backwards, watching the credits roll, wanting to know how it all began.
You know when I read it, I could not take it in. Too much, I blocked out so much of it, and only now, only now, nahh, I can’t read em again. But I did ask him, Can I quote you, and he liked that. Likes it. Loves it. He adores my infatuation so long as I leave him be and finally, ohh finally, I can grant him this wish.
So yea, to my first true muse, I thank thee. Yang to my yin from across the seas. Yemaya O Yemaya, better we have the ocean between us than a few miles of concrete. Or does it even matter? This wheel of fortune turns from one life to the next.
But truth be told, I don’t know that Mr. Brown has been my biggest writing supporter. Might just be that I put him on a pedestal because I wanna see up his nose? What. Where did that come from. Lawdamercy, I actually slept the night thru.
I gotta give it up to Mr. Brannan right about now because I knew it was Him. He got that mind I admire and the insight that cuts right through the fat and me, I like it close to the bone, close as you can get. And he took it apart and that was the best thing I could have eva had because he got me to see myself from the outside in and not the inside out. One Love ~*~
A special special thank you to Miss Gianturco and Miss Szasz. Y’all are the only ones who offered and read and that’s like, I didn’t even know. I took it for granted only to have my ego handed back to me like, “You dropped this” and now I dig it. Natural selection has its benefits.
A big thank you for opening your heart and your mind and sharing this process with me. Just so you know, I gotta rewrite the whole damn book and make it bleeeeed. Cause, you know what you read? It’s soo much darker than this. Gotta title I gotta live into, but I am not ready for it. Not just yet.
But if not for you, I would not have known the courage it takes to put myself out there without fear or shame. Sharing with you was me crossing the Invisible Line.
And then the line moved. It always does. Miss Jong, Miss Jong, I love you mama. Thank you for always seeing in me what I see in you so that we be like mirrors reflecting off each other for eternity. And yea, mark your territory, girl.
I gotta give it up to Mr. Johnson just for being him. I learn so much by simply listening and absorbing and hearing the space in between the words. And dancing to photographs. Dancing. To. Photographs. I can now say I love my life like I love my death. Morbid, but no, it’s something else…
And now I feel like Norma Desmond on some ish. I mean, for a change of pace, righh. Mahh ass even got the script. To Miss Fitts, African Mami, Miss Shadows, Violetta, Liana, Mr. Ross, too all of my people out there in the light and the dark…
I can’t go on with the scene. I’m too happy. Do you mind, Mr. DeMille, if I say a few words? Thank you. I just want to tell you how happy I am to be back in the studio making a picture again. You don’t now how much I’ve missed all of you, and I promise you I’ll never desert you again, because after “Salome” we’ll make another picture, and another and another. You see, this is my life. It always will be. There’s nothing else—just us and the cameras and those wonderful people out there in the dark….