as i am today
August 11, 2012
This is me, last night, at least five times, looking at my hands on my lap like I’ve suddenly been dropped into this life. Nothing has changed, and nothing is the same and it’s so very strange I don’t know what to make of it.
This is me, last night, at least six times telling myself, Yes. This is my life. It really is. I am afraid to be proud. Humility crawls over my skin and I don’t know what to do with it. How to accept this gift without destroying it? I hear Pearl Jam in my head. Do I deserve to be, is that the question?
This is me, last night, Upstairs at Eric’s. Mens diving is on and I’m having a hot flash. No one else is flustered but I’m flushed. These men in their Speedos, so young and so poised, and they twist and tumble and spin and the splash factor tells all. And then, they emerge, naked and wet and I’m damp and limp as I watch them saunter into the hot tub.
“Hot tub?!” Mr. Folkes laughs at me. “It’s a whirlpool.”
Not in my world. My world is like this. This is what it is. How is it possible, but what else could it be. That’s what I mean. That’s what feels weird. If I am miserable, then I feel entitled, but when I am at peace I feel like I been born into another life. I am out of my element because I know where I belong. Not just here, but in the world I am creating every day I am reborn.
I am chomping on cherries and staring unseeingly at the trees in the garden and at the pigeon on the roof across the way. I’ve decided to slow down time until time stands still. Juice fast. It’s not quite a detox considering there may be wine and weed and coffee in the mix but it makes my days interminable as though taffy stretches infinite.
I really have no point. I hear no verse, there is no burn to scorch the page with words dripping from my lips and this silence comes to me as a welcome respite after what has been, shall we say, an arduous summer. Which makes it easier to ask this question, because big questions should only be asked when my emotions are dialed down to the sounds of the quiet storm. Ahh yes then, Day Thirty Six: What are you scared of?
I am scared to be at peace. I am scared of good fortune. I was raised by people who believe in the evil eye and this bothers me. Because I realize they became the evil eye that they so very feared, always watching, hovering with an intensity that is paranoia inducing, to say the least. The eye of evil found its place in the heart and it was from this stage that it sat on the ready to smite happiness where it blossomed. I was raised to believe that I was unworthy of love and deserving of pain and suffering was status quo and if happiness came I had a job to do and that was to sabotage it straight away.
I’m on to Step Five. I’m ready for it. To acknowledge the exact nature of my wrongs. What a fascinating opportunity. How beautiful to own this without fear, shame, or disgrace. Perhaps this will help me find the courage and humility to claim myself as I am today.