a universe of limitlessness
August 13, 2012
No small wonder I write.
Mr. Ex said it well :: Joan Didion once said that writing is the most selfish act. it assumes that the reader is going to sit there and take it. and not say shit back. i like that. because it’s like tying someone up and having my way with them.
because i like that too.
mmm … ohh?
(ahem) Yes. So well then. I write because I do not have to listen to anyone except myself. And I have to listen to myself. I have no boundaries. And that’s a messy proposition in this world. It’s not simply that other people live for prisons, compartments, labels, locked drawers, vaults, keeping things apart. But the messiness of having no boundaries isn’t other people’s walls. It is my own free fall. I love to fall, to fall free, to fall without a net, to dive deep. I love the possibility of impossibility, of what may come when I open my eyes and heart and listen because…
Things are so unlikely they are not unlikely at all. Without traps and prisons, I live in a universe of limitlessness. And in that space of consciousness, I float without control. Control is an illusion so I can learn let go of… but there’s something else I need to resolve.
Fusion. It is the ability to live as love and love as work and work as life and to allow it to come together effortlessly. Wu Wei is trust in the Universe. And I’m on my Lao Tsu these days. It is how and why I sit in Mr. Johnson’s studio staring at my hands like I’ve just been dropped into this body. It is how I am so confused about how to live free because the only freedom I have known is the freedom to destroy myself.
Ohh the thread, I lost it for a moment but weave I do in and out. To return. I’ve started listening only to discover most of what is communicated is non-verbal. Ahh. I love that. The Word is truly vaporous, equal parts perfume and poison, substance without substance when so much of what is said is Unspoken. It is when the Word reflects off itself in the mirror and appears as it truly is: that which the speaker wants to believe more than anything else in the world. It is a dream put to lyric and repeated in the chorus.
Because repetition is the device by which we embed lies. If it is true it needs to be said but once. If it is false it needs to be told again and again. And I know because I do this all the time. All. The. Time.
So, in listening, there is the lyric of the dream but what keeps the lyric afloat? It is the rhythm of the silence that sings along, all that will never be said because…
It is so easy to tell lies by omission. That has always been one of my specialties. I won’t say something and I will lead you to believe that the Unsaid does not exist. But this being one of the tricks in my bag, I know it when the words never leave your lips.
Not at all times, but at so many times, I can hear what is in your head. I’m not trying to eavesdrop, I’m not trying to know your secrets but you scream them in your silence and it makes me sick.
Ahh. You see, that thang, no boundaries means you can enter me without even knowing you have. You dig how… I don’t have the word for it…
You dig how ______ it is.
I can pick up your vibrations without you saying a word. I can hear your heart.
I’m not trying to listen but I’m not trying not to listen. In fact, part of why I never listened was because I heard the Unspoken. And I didn’t know. I didn’t know I do not need understanding about how or why this is. Because I understand it cannot be known. I feel things that I am meant to feel that defy the Word at every turn. And yet, it is the Word that is my master and it holds me without a leash.
Day Thirty Seven: What do you find to be the most rewarding aspect of being a writer?
Fusion. Me, without boundaries and without traps, without effort, and yet with commitment, things come together.