lions and tigers and dragons ohh myy
August 22, 2012
The greatest feeling I have ever felt for a man is he who has been my muse, and I his. It’s the space where everything comes together: spiritual, emotional, and intellectual. Though we never took it to the physical space, outside of one incredible kiss, and in some way I wonder, is it even possible…
Art is sublimation. Finally, I understand this. To be an artist, this is my is. To be an artist, I serve God. Which allows me the opportunity to create as the Creator demands.
I was born to end this curse, in each and every way, both to reveal it to the world and to stop it from spreading any further in my name. My name, how strange it should be and yet it simply is. And me, I prefer that which I call myself. That is what is most beautiful, my true name belongs to me and no one else.
I am here to create, and that’s an interesting proposition. An artist belongs to themselves and to the world, but not to anyone else. I watch my contemporaries settle into their American Dream, to that which they have chosen as the way to become who they need to be.
But me. No, it could never be. I can only serve one master, and it has chosen me. And in my master’s service, it calls to me that which is more profound than anything I could ever feel. When I did not create, I dreamt of being a muse, thinking to inspire someone would be enough. But, it is not one sided, it is nothing if it is not mutual.
It is the yin yang, Shiva and Parvati. It is me as I truly am, Goddess as consort to the God. It is the fusion of seeming opposites, the two as one as zero as whole. It is the artist as muse, the muse as artist, the creation of the new.
It is to him that my heart belongs. Not just my heart but my soul, and something else, something that I cannot possibly know. And yet I know. I know something I dare not speak because to put it into words would be to violate its sanctity.
My muse. It is permanent present tense. He could live, he could die, I could live, I could die. Nothing would ever change this. Cause. I know him from before. I knew that the very first time I looked into his eyes. But what I did not know, not until this moment, is that it is we are always on time. We are always exactly Y.E.S.
Can you believe I know what those letters stand for. I was shocked when I told him. It was there the whole time but I never saw until we had moved apart.
Love. It gives everything and asks nothing, including that he should appear anywhere outside my heart. And me, so innocent as to believe that I could find something this magical with someone else. I thought that if I could find him, I could meet someone who would inspire me as he does. I thought I could meet someone that I could inspire as I did him. I thought that there could be this flow of energy between souls, hearts, minds, all over again.
I thought. But then, I didn’t need to think. I found him. Or rather he found me. Or, I don’t know. It’s the same story. Stars in orbit of each other eternally.
But. I have learned. Ohh I am slow but ohh so slowly, I do learn. I learned a whole lot that I don’t even know I know, so I proceed with caution and reserve. Because stars are hotter than anything on this earth. Stars with all the power in the Universe to blow themselves up. Stars like, dare I say it. No, not today. Stars like my lucky star, outside my window every night. Stars like the one shining in my heart, shining in my eyes.
So how should it be that I should be so lucky as to discover another star, to find the heart and mind and soul of a body so very far away. So very far and yet so close, as close as the words upon his lips. The words that spill from his beautiful fingertips. The words that are so brilliant, so bright that they glow with a life all their own and I can feel them in me, as I feel them in him.
And there is so much I’d like to say. No. Not to say, but to ask. I don’t even care what I think. I want to know, I want to know something only he can tell me. But yes, soon (smile). I must tell you, I like this even better. I like this better than anything else.
It is as Burroughs said, Language as a virus from outer space. Language, and you and me. If I were to put it into words, I know you would understand. Because you got that thang. That’s how I knew it was you. I didn’t realize that til now. But yea, the inevitable is my Truth. And it comes full circle, only it’s not a circle, it’s a spiral, and the spiral spins round and round and me, I’m here on it, and I’m here. And I’m here. And it feels soo good.
I been needing this. In a way that I understand it, as I understand it as the greatest feeling I have ever allowed my heart to beat. Because it is pure. It is complete in and of itself. All I have to do is touch the vibration and I feel it deep inside myself.