truth in advertising

August 22, 2012

Jenny Holtzer, photo by Lisa Kahane ~*~

How many times I have started and stopped. How many times I try to get to the story and I am blocked because…

I scratch the surface and the blood begins to flow and for the first time ever it, it feels unbearable. I take no pleasure and I feel no release. I feel sickened and disgusted and violated by me.

I need to do this only I need to learn how to take the greatest care of my heart. I need to get at my greatest fear. I need to take it down but I see now, it’s not the one fell swoop sorta thang.

I can say what it is. That’s easy enough, but why and how it is and how to overcome it, fuckmemaaan.

I am terrified of speaking my truth because I fear retribution.

I know how hard this is for me because just trying to figure out what to say next has my chest swelling. I feel my throat close and I swallow and I distract myself with these words. Writing this nothingness is my way of breathing in and out as I move forward.

It’s one thing for me to speak of myself and to reveal my pain. It is another thing for me to speak of other people who are complicit in the dance of pathologies. Were I to tell you about any of these people, even under an alias, I would feel a sickening sense of terror because each and every one of these people has betrayed themselves.

Thas just it. Their self-disrespect is so immense that when in their presence I have kowtowed to it, lowering myself. Zero integrity. I was told I was worthless, over and over again. I was treated as such for so long that I sought it out. It’s becoming increasingly clear that nearly all my interactions and relationships with people were based on lies, illusions, self-deception, and disrespect. It was all painted as something else, as a way for us all to ignore what was really happening.

Water seeks its own level and up until July 16, I was gutter, baby, I was dirty as I could get. I can’t even write this. It’s making me sick. I don’t know how to purify tho. How do I get rid of this filth…

6 Responses to “truth in advertising”

  1. Certainly true. FYI, Sara – I took this series of photos for Jenny.

    Lisa Kahane | photographer | 32 West 20 Street | New York NY 10011 | 212.242.6496 http://lisakahane.com http://www.mcny.org/exhibitions/current/Activist-New-York.html

    • Miss Rosen said

      how exciting ~*~ i would love to see more of your work from this project, as well as this era. you know me, my favorite thing in the world is old school enn why cee ~*~

  2. Okay, I’d be worried about you but this isn’t you, actually. “I am terrified of speaking my truth.”? You are anything but. Hard truth slammed against hard truth, time and again.

    I can see you as assaulted, lied to, and disrespected by those people- but never could I see you as beaten down by all that. I can only see you as emerging stronger, as rising up.

    Maybe weary sometimes, maybe sick, maybe off-centered- but not for long. Not Miss Rosen.

    Tom

    • Miss Rosen said

      thank youu but

      i am only speaking my truth about myself. i can tell you about who i am and how i am, and you know i love to abuse myself so what’s it to me if i tear myself apart. but ..

      i do not have the courage to speak about the people who i have used to destroy myself, to tell you who they are and why i chose them and how they treated me and what they said and what they did.

      and in order for me to write, to really do what i have come to this earth to do, i have to face this fear that they will retaliate against me.

      because i already smell one lawsuit and i realize, this is why i am not ready to write one of my books. i thought i could write a memoir but i know that in order to tell this story, i’d have to go into something i never talk about, the second most abusive relationship of my life, the one where i was a machine, the perfect puppet, the one where i made my abusers shine like gold.

      youu see, and i believe i have said this before, one of my greatest tricks is lies of omission and what i have not said is what will fill my books. i dont even have the strength to write about why i am scared. it hurts more than i can stand right now.

      and i dig how you cant know this, because in the vortex of all my intensity and self revealing, it seems like i am being honest.

      but i’m not.

      it’s heartbreaking to realize this. to see that i still do not possess the integrity i need in order to feel comfortable within my own skin in order to live my dream and write these horrific books.

      last nite, i wrote a post. it was honest. and i had to take it down. i just could not be comfortable speaking honestly about someone else. it’s fuckinn stockholm syndrome.

      i wouldnt say i’m beaten down. i’d say i’m molting. which is as close as i can come to being with this disgusting process of tearing off my skin in order to be free of this terror of what will happen to me when i tell the whole truth about my life.

  3. “and in order for me to write, to really do what i have come to this earth to do, i have to face this fear that they will retaliate against me.”

    Then that’s what you’ll do. You’ll face it. Write it all. And you’ll be free. And you’ll give all of us a staggering work, text that will knock us off our feet. That’s what you’ll do.

    I believe the future is unknowable. But this I do know. You will.

    Tom

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