begin where you are
August 26, 2012
Mr. Brown comes to me in dreams. He always has. Last night he appeared and he took me in his arms and he kissed me once, twice, ten thousand times. I awoke soon thereafter, it was the middle of the night. My room was dark and cool and maybe the crickets did chirp. I lay in bed alone, with a pale smile upon my face, surprised that he had returned, after all this time. But it is only now, the next afternoon, that I understand why.
I remember this other time. It was bad. Really bad. I was sitting on the floor of my apartment and I had a vision of death. Or life on earth after death. And it went something like this. A blue sky over a green meadow and a gentle breeze floating along. And there was silence. And peace. It was like a cemetery without the markers. No one was there. No people. No animals. No trees. No rocks. No clouds. Just blue and green. And blue and green was all it was. And I felt so peaceful that I thought death was good. And that I shouldn’t be scared of it. And that was the last time I wasn’t scared of death. Only death is all that’s left.
This is where I stumble, stutter, misstep. Where is the beginning? I am not at the end. I am forever in the middle, journeying along the pathless path, that which i cannot see until my foot falls and I step forward in the mist, in the midst, in to what ever comes next. I don’t know where to begin so I tell myself I’ve already begun and keep typing away.
I breathe. Slowly, shallowly, or not at all. Mostly I breathe because my head feels light and my fingers are numb as they ratta tat tat on the laptop propped up on my legs and I’m sitting up in bed as the birds chirp outside the window today. And the cicadas cheer long until the sound fades and then they start up again, to the rhythms Nature has made.
So yea, was it last year? I can’t remember anymore. Time has no meaning. It just comes and goes and goes and cums. And as long as you don’t cum in me I don’t really give a fuck. Fuck. Maybe I do care. Maybe just a little bit. I mean, I think that’s what this scene was all about, last year was it? I remember I was sitting on the floor of my apartment. Sitting on this beautiful parquet wood floor and my legs were stretched out in front of me and I was wearing a t-shirt and panties and nothing more. And my hair was a mess. A straight up nest. And no makeup. Just tears and I couldn’t stop the tears and they kept coming and I couldn’t stop them. And then it hit me. Maybe there was hope. Maybe I could be helped. So I reached all the way inside and I cried out to God.
And that’s when I saw it. The cosmos. Outer space. I saw darkness and in the darkness I saw rock and rubble and flame. I saw meteors and planets and stars and astro-stuff. And I felt the coldness of the air. And I understood that I was alone. I understood there was no God. Not in the sense that I needed one. I understood that there were energies. Biology. Chemistry. Physics. I understood that there were reasons. I understood that these energies were why and how and what and who and when and where and why. And I knew that these energies had no consciousness. That these energies didn’t give a fuck if I lived or died.
And I came tumbling back to earth and I landed in my body and I felt a pain at the very center of my being. I call it “the chasm.” It is an abscess. A void. A limitless space. It is black as the Universe is large and it has no beginning and no end. And I’ve tried to fill this chasm with whatever it is I can reach and I use drugs and I use drinks and I use sex and i use clothes and I use money and I use food, or rather, I use no food. And I finally thought “If there is a God, He could help me.” And I found myself alone, as I wanted to be.
I exhale and I look at my fingers as they tap on the keyboard at seventy words a clip and I’m typing away without destination because this is me, baby, it’s the scenic route. I know where I am going, I just don’t know how to get there. So you, and me, we are doing this together. Like ODB said, Yea baby I like it raw.
Rest in Peace and get at me whenever you like.