words never heard, never said

October 21, 2012

The street is silent but for the cars as a cat slinks down the sidewalk, tail slung all the way down. The cat is new to this earth and may not be here for long and I call to her softly. Mau. And I tap my tongue against the roof on my mouth. And with the triple click the cat looks to me and her eyes are wide open, unsure of what she sees. And I blink and I blink to show her I mean her no harm and she stares without blinking and that’s smart, I am sure.

She slinks off and I watch her go and I think of all the lives I shall never know. The paths I will never cross and those that I shall and the way I will never know anyone, and sometimes, I am not even sure I know myself.

I smile about how it has come to this. Me knowing truth as truth is meant to be known. As it is meant to be known as in it comes to me without me coming to it and it requires nothing of me except to be silent and to listen carefully. And as I hear it spoken it throws me hard because it forces me to accept truth as something I do not control.

“Please don’t hurt me,” I said and he said, “You want me to promise I’ll never hurt you?” and I told him, “No. I know you can’t do that. I just want you to know I am hurt.”

And then he said to me, “I am afraid you know me better than I know myself” and all of this time I have kept that knowledge to myself. I have never said what I know and I will never tell. What good is it to speak when no one is listening?

2 Responses to “words never heard, never said”

  1. Often when you date a commitment phobe, you are unsure where you stand. You don’t know how he feels. When you are together it seems so great. The connection and chemistry feels so right. It’s the time when you are apart that your head spins. Commitment phobic men leave you wondering when you are apart. Sure he contacts you or may stay in touch, but there is something that is missing. You just don’t feel a part of his life completely. You feel like he isn’t letting you in his heart. When dating a commitment phobe, you can’t push him. To do so only pushes him away. If you ask where you stand he is going to tap dance around the subject. Don’t waste your time with words on this man. Words don’t reach him. Commitment phobic men fear the loss of their freedom and they fear it a lot. The more questions you ask, the more you push, the more he feels this fear. Pushing him threatens his freedom in the worst of ways. If you are dating this commitment phobe, stop with the questions now. Men who fear commitment have to be reached on a deeper level. The fear of losing you has to become greater than that fear of losing his freedom. He needs to feel a deep emotional attraction to you to commit. Questions and pushing and clinging tighter will not create that attraction. You have to make him feel safe. Making him feel safe takes time. It is not done with words but with actions. Now this does not mean being a doormat. Quite the opposite. He needs to know that your entire universe does not revolve around him. He needs to know that he isn’t responsible for your happiness. In other words, you need to have your own life. This way he does feel safe. He doesn’t fear you will fall apart if he screws up. The result, he respects you more and screws up less. Dating a commitment phobic man requires a unique kind of woman, one that is patient, firm, and knows how to build that deep emotional attraction. That attachment that the commitment phobic man learns that he doesn’t want to live without.

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